Dear President Bush,
How are things going? I hear you’ve been very busy, doing a lot of traveling, that sort of thing. In a way, it’s too bad you don’t fly on commercial airlines, because you would have a whole pile of frequent flyer miles. You could probably earn three or four round-the-world trips. Though now that I think about it, you probably don’t really need that kind help getting around, do you?
I’ve long been an undecided voter, thanks in no small part to the choice of candidates this time around. I’m sure you’re a very honorable man, at least to the extent your office will permit. Nonetheless, about half your policies have been deeply dismaying to me. On the other hand, about half your opponent’s positions are no more appealing to me. On the whole, as I’ve complained from time to time, I’ve had a very difficult time making up my mind how to vote. It’s true that I’m traditionally a liberal type, but that’s mostly in the social arena. That, incidentally, should provide a good indication of which half of your policies have dismayed me.
As a resident of a “battleground” state, or “swing” state, or whatever it is we’re calling them these days, I’ve been getting a lot of phone calls these days. I imagine you know a thing or two about that; after all, your mother and your wife both called. So did Arnold Schwarzenegger. Also Gwyneth Paltrow and Sarah Jessica Parker, although they of course weren’t calling on your behalf. In addition, I’ve heard from a number of dire-voiced men warning me about the terrible dangers inherent in electing you, or your opponent, to the White House. Over the past month, I’d estimate that I’ve received at least fifty calls from campaigns, political parties, 527 groups, and so forth. In one recent night, three such calls came in the space of twenty minutes. I’d most certainly have gotten more calls, but I was out of town for a week.
Anyway, I thought I’d let you know that from what I can tell, the organization of your campaign, and of those efforts aligned with you, has been more effective at reaching voters in my area. At a rough estimate, calls from your campaign, the Republican Party, and various 527 groups close to your side of the ideological spectrum have outnumbered those from the other side of the spectrum by about a third.
Accordingly, I’ll be casting my vote for John Kerry.