The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by university physicists. The element, tentatively named "ADMINISTRATIUM," has no proton or electrons and thus has an atomic weight of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 70 vice neutrons, and 161 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 232. These 232 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.

Since it has no electron, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically, as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to researchers, a minute amount of Administratium, added to one reaction, caused it to take four days to complete. Without the Administratium, the reaction ordinarily occurred in less than one second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Studies seem to show the atomic number actually increasing after each reorganization. Research indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate in certain locations such as government agencies, large corporations and universities. It can usually be found in the newest, best-appointed and best-maintained buildings.

Scientists warn that Administratium is known to be toxic, and recommend plenty of fluids and bed rest after even low levels of exposure.

--Author Unknown (but astute!)

I have actually added something to the above body of work. It's a small extension of the discovery of Administratium, but potentially an important one.

I have observed that, under certain conditions of excitation, Administratium will actually give off some of its morons. These particles are very slow and extremely dense, and may go a long way towards solving the "missing mass" problem in cosmology. Note that morons, similar their parent element, are weakly interacting; it is extremely difficult to get them to react to anything. Typically, they will simply fly off in random directions, heedless of anything in their path, and eventually exhaust their momentum in a place quite far from the Administratium which spawned them. It is possible to block the path of a moron, but this generally results in significant damage to the blocking material, with hardly any effect on the moron's mass, trajectory, or momentum.

I have also theorized that a sufficiently high concentration of morons may form small quantities of Administratium, but this hypothesis is as yet unproven.

If you wish to do your own work in this field, there seem to be vast quantities of both Administratium and morons available, so gathering material should pose no problem for the astute researcher. Please remember that working closely with either Administratium or morons is extremely hazardous; only small quantities should be observed at any one time, and direct exposure should be avoided at all costs. This is especially true of Administratium, which will cling to the skin and somehow attract still more particles, eventually weighing the victim down until he or she is almost incapable of movement. Removal of the Administratium is possible, but only at great cost and with significant risk to the victim.

Please let me know of any findings you make or theories you may have. Given the extreme prevalence of both Administratium and morons, it is to our advantage to learn as much as we can about them.

Eric A. Meyer
23 February 1996