How Not To Get A Job

Vice presidents and Personnel Directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees:

• A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.
• Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time.
• Candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office.
• Candidate explained that her long-term goal was to replace the interviewer.
• Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.
• Balding candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a headpiece.
• Applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.
• Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions.
• Candidate brought large dog to interview.
• Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up.
• Candidate dozed off during interview.

The employers were also asked to list the "most unusual" questions that have been asked by job candidates:

• "What is it that you people do at this company?"
• "What is the company motto?"
• "Why aren't you in a more interesting business?"
• "What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?"
• "Why do you want references?"
• "Do I have to dress for the next interview?"
• "I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?"
• "Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?"
• "Will the company pay to relocate my horse?"
• "Does your health insurance cover pets?"
• "Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time?"
• "Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?"
• "Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?"
• "Why am I here?"

Also included are a number of unusual statements made by candidates during the interview process:

• "I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movement."
• "At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking."
• "I feel uneasy indoors."
• "Sometimes I feel like smashing things."
• "Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars."
• "I think that Lincoln was greater than Washington."
• "I get excited very easily."
• "Once a week, I usually feel hot all over."
• "I am fascinated by fire."
• "I like tall women."
• "Whenever a man is with a woman, he is usually thinking about sex."
• "People are always watching me."
• "If I get too much change in a store, I always give it back."
• "Almost everyone is guilty of bad sexual conduct."
• "I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker."
• "I never get hungry."
• "I know who is responsible for most of my troubles."
• "If the pay was right, I'd travel with the carnival."
• "I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me."
• "My legs are really hairy."
• "I think I'm going to throw up."

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These quotes are taken from real résumés and cover letters and were printed in the July 21, 1997 issue of Fortune Magazine. (Note: all typographical errors, etc., are as intended.)

• "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."
• "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms."
• "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
• "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
• "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial instutions."
• "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
• "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
• "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
• "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."
• "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
• "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
• "Marital Status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."
• "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
• "I am loyal to my employer at all costs....Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
• "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing."
• "My goal is be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokeridge."
• "I procrastinate, especally when the task is unpleasant."
• "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
• "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."
• "Instrumental is ruining entire organization for a Midwest Chain store."
• "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
• "Marital Status: often. Children: various."
• "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employess get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions."
• "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
• "Finished eighth in my class of ten."
• "References: none. I've left a path of descruction behind me."